The Talk
by InsertSomethingClever
Summary: Ever wonder who gave Harry The Talk? It sure wasn't the Dursleys. And you can bet it'll scar someone for life. Slash SiriusRemus implied DracoHarry


Squee! It's been a long time since I did a Harry Potter fic. Currently I am working on my PoT fic but I just had to write this. Come on, haven't you ever wondered who gave Harry 'The Talk'?

**DISCLAIMER: DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER!! Or its characters.**

If I did, you would know, because Sirius would have come back and he and Remus would have snogged senseless. So sad.

* * *

"It was so embarrassing! Halfway through, Dad got so flustered he started talking about dental floss," Hermione stated shuddering slightly. She flipped a page _Hogwarts: A history_ ("I still don't understand how you can read that every year," Ron grumbled) and looked up. "What about you?"

Ron gave a loud snort and flopped down into a more comfortable position on the chair. "It was a bloody nightmare! Mum got all teary, going on about how I was 'becoming a man' and Dad tried using those muggle things he likes so much-"

"Plugs?" Hermione supplied helpfully.

"-yeah those. Got a bit off topic with those for a while…" Ron trailed off and looked at the remaining occupant of the room. "How 'bout you Harry? How'd it go for you?"

Harry blinked. "How'd what go?"

Ron rolled his eyes. "You know; the most embarrassing talk you'll ever have with an adult."

Harry blinked again, cocking his head. "Trying to explain how you managed to blow the kitchen up when you only had a mop and some soap?"(1)

"Um, no." Ron stared at him incredulously. "How the bloody hell did you manage that?"

"I didn't say _I_ did it," Harry huffed. "I know a guy."

"Right…anyway, I'm talking about _The_ Talk," he stressed the word trying to convey the message.

"…there are a lot of talks," Harry pointed out. Hermione nodded her head not looking up from her book.

"No, I mean The Talk. The one where both words are capitalized."

"…that's not proper English, now is it?"

"In some cases it's not Harry," Hermione interjected.

"Oh bloody hell! I mean the birds and the bees!" Ron yelled frustrated. The witch shook her head, noting idly that Ginny more than likely heard that and was going to go ask Mrs. Weasley what Ron was talking about.

"Why would anyone want to talk about those? I mean sure they can fly, or whatever, but they're not that interesting," the boy-who-lived said taking a swig of butterbeer.

Ron looked at him with wide eyes. "Are you serious?"

"No, Sirius is upstairs."

"What he means," Hermione said quickly seeing Ron open his mouth to retort, "is that we've gotten that special talk. You've never been sat down by an adult and were talked to about the birds and the bees?

Harry fixed Hermione with a flat stare. "I've lived with the Dursleys my whole life. They wouldn't talk to me about anything important. Ever."

Hermione ignored the glare and tapped her chin. "Well this isn't good. You're a fifteen year-old boy. You _need_ to have this talk. Who do you suggest Ron?"

Ron scratched his chin, pointedly looking away from Harry. "Well, there is Sirius, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea…"

"No that's perfect! I'm sure Sirius would know exactly what to say! Go on Harry, ask him now," Hermione beamed at him, shooing him away. Harry looked at her curiously, then at Ron, then back again before shrugging. If Hermione said Sirius would be good at this, he would believe her.

After all, when was Hermione ever wrong?

So with a resigned sigh, Harry stood up and walked out the kitchen. When the door shut firmly behind him, Hermione let out a small evil chuckle. "The birds and bees indeed."

Ron eyed her nervously, wondering if he could make it to the door in time if his friend decided to go all He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named on him.

* * *

He knocked on the door quickly and opened the door. "Sirius, its Harry. I need to talk to you…" he trailed off noticing that Sirius was not the only one in the room.

And the lack of space between the two.

And the lack of clothing of the two.

Harry blushed brightly and turned around, closing the door soundly behind him. There was some cursing, muffled sounds, and a loud bang before the door was opened revealing a panting Sirius, trying to button his shirt.

"Harry, this is a bit unexpected. What brings you up here?" he asked kicking something behind him. A soft 'thanks' reached them and Harry coughed.

"Y-Yeah, well I kind of needed to ask you something. But I can see that you're b-busy (there had never been a harder word to say), so I'll just go-" Harry made to run off only to be grabbed by Sirius and pulled into the room.

"Nah, it's okay. Me and Remus were just wrestling is all," Sirius waved his hand dismissively, steering Harry away from the bed to a chair. He forced the teen to sit down and looked at his friend.

"Oi Moony, hurry up! Harry said there was something he wanted to talk to me about!"

Remus fixed him with a flat look pausing in fixing his shirt. "Well Padfoot, I wouldn't need to hurry up if someone hadn't thrown my clothes everywhere when we were 'wrestling'."

"Oh but you know you how much I like to play. Especially since I always win," Sirius said huskily, smirking when Remus's cheeks turned light pink. He then turned his attention back to Harry who was blushing again. "Now what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Oh, um, well," Harry coughed to clear his mind (it didn't work. He had no idea what his Godfather and ex-professor were doing, but those sorts of images don't just leave). "Actually, Hermione sent me up here. We were talking and she said that you needed to give me The Talk."

It was quiet for a while. Even Lupin seemed to stop what he was doing.

"The Talk," Sirius repeated after a while monotonously.

"The Talk," Harry confirmed nodding his head.

"_The_ Talk?" he asked.

"_The_ Talk," Harry said again. What was so bad about it?

"Bloody hell, The Talk. Remus, he wants me to give him The Talk!" Sirius turned to his friend with wide eyes. Lupin nodded hesitantly. The animagus looked at Harry again before he rounded on the other. "Remus, you're helping me with this."

"M-Me! Why me?" Lupin asked alarmed. Sirius narrowed his eyes. "You're parents gave you The Talk. Mine didn't. You're helping me."

"But-but-" Lupin looked at Sirius's set face and sighed. He turned to Harry warily. "Well Harry, if I'm going to help with this, I think you should call me Remus. That way it won't seem as weird."

Harry nodded. Lu-Remus made sense. If this talk was that bad, being familiar with someone would make it easier.

Sirius coughed and prompted for them to starts. Remus sighed and looked at Harry. "When a man and a woman loves each other _very_ much they-"

"No no no! You're giving him the wrong talk!" Sirius growled throwing his hands in the air. "Not the whole 'man and woman' thing. He wouldn't have been sent to us if he was getting that speech!"

"You don't think…" Remus trailed off looking at Harry curiously. The teen fidgeted and played with his sleeve. Sirius nodded matter-of-factly throwing an arm over the werewolf's shoulders. "Our little boy is growing up."

"No kidding…" Remus sighed again leaning against Sirius. "Now Harry, this may all be confusing for you now but I need you to answer this as honestly as you can: Are you or have you ever been attracted to the opposite sex?"

Harry blinked. "Well yeah, hasn't everyone?"

The ex-teacher's cheeks grew pink again and Sirius smirked. "Not everyone. Anyway, is there anyone you're attracted to now?"

He thought about it. Cho Chang was the girl he fancied since third year, but lately the girl hadn't been on his mind as much as she used to. Actually, no other girls had been on his mind.

"Well, I used to but I don't think so anymore," he frowned. Was this healthy for a teenager?

Remus smiled at him understandingly. "That's perfectly all right Harry. You don't have to like someone. There is something I would like to know, if you can tell me. Sometimes when you're not doing anything, do males just pop into your head?"

Again he thought about it. The more he did think about it, the more he realized how much that happened. Instead of Cho Chang, Malfoy seemed to occupy his thoughts. Weird.

"Yeah Malfoy. But I don't really get how-"

"Bloody wonderful. My godson finally starts to get it and he's thinking about Malfoy. It had better be the younger one," Sirius muttered darkly. Remus patted his hand sympathetically.

"Get what?" Harry asked confused. This talk was weird. It was a good thing the Dursleys never wanted to do this with him. Very awkward.

"Harry, I'm not quite sure what's the easiest way to tell you but-" Again Remus got cut off by a certain animagus.

"You're a pouf. Welcome to the club, we make out almost every day and have sex every other day, except for you. You're too young," Sirius told him sternly, tightening his grip on his friend's shoulder. Remus gave him a reproachful look in return.

"A pouf?" Harry repeated dumbly. Was this one of those wizard curses? If so, Harry might use it on his rival…if Hermione lets him.

She never lets him have any fun.

"What Padfoot means is that you're gay. Or bisexual, though more than likely gay. Merlin knows you were influenced by everyone around you," Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius snickered and walked over to his godson.

"So now that we've established that little fact, let's go over the good stuff. I've even got this diagram(2) from that muggle game Kingdom Hearts (INC: Don't own) people like so much. You're little key more than likely won't go in to a girl's keyhole, but some other bloke's key- more than likely Malfoy- will probably go in your backdoor. You get that from Remus. ("Hey!") To be safe, use condoms and lube. Plenty of lube. Good? Alright then, glad we had this little chat, nice to see you again, all that crap. If you'll excuse us, me and Remus are going to continue wrestling." With that Sirius pushed Harry to the door and out of it, slamming it shut. Harry stood there blinking for a few moments, walking away dazedly.

It was really good that the Dursleys never talked to him about this.

* * *

"Sirius?"

"Yes love?"

"Why do you have that diagram?"

"I picked it up at some muggle store. Very informative if I do say so myself."

"…you were enjoying the whole thing weren't you?

"It was quite entertaining. The only thing I enjoy more than making teenagers uncomfortable is our wrestling."

"I'm so very glad you never became a teacher."

"Come over here, and we can fix that."

* * *

(1) A true story. Don't ask me how I did it, but I did.

(2) If anyone wants to see the actual pic here it is. Just take out the spaces. Enjoy! http/i26. albums/c118/moon soldier251/Kingdom 20Hearts/0000sd3f1. jpg

When I thought of this story I found it funny. As I was writing it, I found it a bit difficult, seeing as how I never got The Talk. There was no need. The world screwed me up enough that I didn't need to be explained to. So I did my best. And really, can you expect anything less from Sirius? Can't even do this seriously. Ah well, that's why we love him so much.

InserSomethingClever


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